[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
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This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.