“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.