“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine