What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering