*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
You Might Also Like
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Follow me for more recipes
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
#NeverForget
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.