A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
This meal prepping shit easy
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start