I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
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I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
me adding lol on a serious message
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
OKAY DAD
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower