Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.