I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
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I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.