[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Forever 21… pounds overweight
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*