Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
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my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.