white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
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They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?