*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
This is always good for a laugh.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.