I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*