*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?