I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos