If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
You Might Also Like
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
This makes total sense…
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.