“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
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Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
what does he know…
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Namaste
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Risking my life for fun.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either