If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Respect
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW