My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
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Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
#catsoftwitter
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me