Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
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I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
early stone age tool
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
The Assassin.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂