I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*