My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
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Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”