Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.