My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
need him
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”