13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
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People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Not all heroes wear capes….
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
When you’re here for the treats.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.