I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Vodka burrito was a success
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
A friend helps you before you need it
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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