if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
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Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater