Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
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I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.