I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you