Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Go girl power!
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.