If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Many hands make light work
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
HELP 😭
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.