I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
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