My work here is don’t.
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Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.