Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
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By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
couldn’t resist
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there