The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.