[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.