genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
any last words?
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed