I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
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Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!