Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Phonetics
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Mhm.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
There is no “ea” in Tim.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick