You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Not😆🤣
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.