That’s not how days work.
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they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave