If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will