Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My favorite female superhero
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving