Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
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[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Spa day..😅
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on