[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Me too 😆
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.