*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
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You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
it’s finally my moment to shine
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
best first i’ve ever seen
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.