You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy