It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Meowchelangelo
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
When can I start eating bats again.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”