Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
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i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great